*it was the Dr. of Music thing. that’s a no-brianer, actually

This might be Big Al’s crowning achievement, narrowly edging out his star turn as “Bouncer” in episode one of the Webby-honored “Douchebag Beach: A Love Story.”

This holiday season, remember those who are less fortunate - like the CEOs who might not get their big fat bonuses. CEO-AID is here to help with their benefit single, “Do They Know It’s Bonus Time?”

Yep, we said “coming up.”

There’s a memorable scene early on in 1998’s The Wedding Singer where a recently left-at-the-altar Robbie Hart (Adam Sandler) is being questioned about his mental health by his curious young nephews. Via IMBD …

Robbie: Hey, the goofball brothers!
Tyler: Is it true you’re in the middle of a nervous breakdown?
Robbie: What? No!
Petey: Nervous breakdown! Nervous breakdown!
Robbie: Who said that?
Tyler: Everybody’s been saying that.
Robbie: Everybody? You’re eight years old… the only people you know are your parents!

Great movie. Call me Drew. And how true is that final line by Bill Madison?  A child’s social circle is quite limited in the early going. Your parents are basically the sun, your only reference point on how you’re supposed to talk, walk, think and act.

Eventually every child will spread their wings, however. By junior high school parents are fighting a losing battle with libido. A parent must adapt on the fly or face grave consequences. Pull back too much and you risk losing a connection during important time in your child’s formative years. Try too hard and you face hurtful rejection.

Try really hard, and you’re a murdering, ecstasy-popping, B-52’s loving, sex and fecal addict. Trust us, you don’t want to be known as the Cool Dad.

- DH

7. Because You Want An Old White Man To Be President
We all know that if McCain is elected he’s going to immediately die in office because he’s 114-years-old. That’s just a plain old fact. And Obama… he’s not even President yet and idiots are trying to off him President Palmer-style. So taking that into consideration, a vote for Barack Obama is a vote to keep the status quo get another white dude with white hair into the Oval Office.

6. Because John McCain’s Favorite Song is “Dancing Queen” by ABBA.
Hold up- and he’s against same-sex marriages? Something doesn’t add up here.

5. Because Obama Never Called His Wife A Cunt
Now, I don’t know if that’s a fact or not. However, if he has called Michelle the C-word, at least he had the courtesy to do it in the privacy of his own home (or in his car– women tend to get a little annoying when they’re riding in a car.) The point is, he didn’t do it in front of three reporters like McCain did in 1992. Whoops.

4. Because Sarah Palin Is Going To Make A Great Talk Show Host
I love Sarah Palin. I think she’s great. I may or may not have masturbated to her. In all honestly, I think she has the looks, the brains, and the personality to make one hell of a… daytime talk show host! You know, like Jenny Jones or Rolanda. That’s what she should be doing. She shouldn’t spend the next four years talking about why we should overturn Roe Vs. Wade she should be trying to figure out Why Good Girls Date Jerks. You go girl!

3. Because It’ll Force That Dickhead H. Wayne Huizenga To Sell The Dolphins
I’m not from Florida, thankfully, but if I was this would be my #1 reason to vote for Obama. Huizenga, of course, is most famous for being the guy who immediately dismantled the 1997 Florida Marlins after they won the World Series. Now he owns the Miami Dolphins (last year’s record: 1-15), a team he’s threatened to sell if Obama is elected. Oh no H. No. Say it ain’t so. How will pro-sports ever recover?

And as a side note, I’m not sure what the H. stands for, but I seriously doubt it’s that much worse than Wayne. Dork.

2. Because We Should Do The Right Thing And Put Darrell Hammond Out Of His Misery
Poor guy. Why won’t Lorne Michaels just let him go? If McCain wins Darrell will be stuck in SNHell for another 4 years (or until Johnny dies- let’s not forget #7). A vote for Obama frees Darrell Hammond to go disappear to wherever Melanie Huxell and Jeff Richards are hanging out right now. He’s put in his time… we owe it to him.

1. “Change”, “Hope” and All That Other Bullshit
It’s better than 4 years of “Barracuda”, “Maverick” and “Joe The Plumber.” Isn’t it?

BC

This is why A-Rod can hit a game-winning homer on Tuesday and get booed after going 0-for-4 on Wednesday. And it’s why critics still complain that MTV doesn’t play videos anymore, even when ratings have proven that nobody would watch if they did.

But here’s the thing. For all his warts, and all the warts Madonna may ultimately give him, A-Rod will probably end up hitting more home runs than anyone that’s played before him. He’s pretty damn great, frosted tips not withstanding. The same can be said for the Music Television network. Consider the evidence for people of the Gen Y set:

Playboy may have brought Jenny McCarthy to your uncle, but it was MTV that brought the buxom blonde to the 90s teenage masses with Singled Out. It was MTV that gave its viewers one last glance at Kurt Cobain, a memorable Unplugged special serving as the doomed Nirvana singer’s farewell. And let’s not forget all the borderline retards that The Real World and its RW/RR Challenge spinoffs have so graciously bestowed upon us, least of which being Frankie from San Diego (season 14), a woman terrified by the sight of … large boats. Boats, dog. R.I.P., Frankie.

Sure, A-Rod chokes in the clutch, and yes, MTV currently airs a show called Paris Hilton’s My New BFF (that doesn’t even make sense), but ultimately you have to look big picture here. The end justifies the means.

But of all the things MTV has given us, none will ever top Tommy, the focus of 2003’s True Life: I Have A Summer Share. Tommy was just another northern Jersey douchebag invading Seaside Heights until the 28-year-old was plucked out of obscurity for the network’s popular documentary series. A Coors Light-swigging, cheeseballs-devouring maniac, Tommy was a stereotype on steroids — delusional, empty-headed, misguided, thuggish, sensitive, menacing, lonely, angry and happy, usually all at once. His only goal — seriously, his only goal — was to find love at the Jersey shore, a plan so at odds with the widely-understood dynamic of Jersey Shore youth culture (get drunk, get laid, go home) that it was almost impossible to believe what you were watching. It was stunning to see a man so badly in need of a clue. It made for hilarious and compelling television.

Bob and I quickly became obsessed with the episode, watching Tommy’s misadventures countless times on television before the gift of DVR put Tommy a click away inside Bob and Brian’s Lower East Side apartment. We quoted dialogue, acted out scenes, broke down the psychology of the characters. It was the Guido Rocky Horror Picture Show. When it was time to pack up and move to Los Angeles, returning the DVR and its Summer Share-withholding hard drive to Time Warner was probably the hardest goodbye.

From the spirit of True Life: I Have A Summer Share came Douchebag Beach, The Post Show’s love letter to Tommy and his boys. Douchebag Beach centered on three dudes from northern New Jersey on the hunt for love at the shore. Sound familiar? Our first 10 episodes, which you can watch here, garnered 2.5 million views on YouTube alone with many comments referencing our Tommy. It seems as if we weren’t the only fans of the pride of Elmwood Park. Due to sponsor commitments – aka selling out to El Hombre — Douchebag Beach has been re-christened as Jersey, Son!, with four all-new episodes hitting the Web last week. Check them out right here. The new season follows our Garden State meatheads to Hollywood, where the Tommy-inspired Bobby character — played flawlessly by the immortal Greg Siff — is trying to become the next big thing.

You’ll never hear me say a bad thing about MTV. It brought me Tommy, and I’ll always owe them for that. But never mind that … where the fuck are my cheeseballs?

-DH